If Obituaries Were Honest …

Like everything else in life, certain conventions apply to writing obituaries; for example, you’re not supposed to say anything bad about the deceased, which means virtually every obituary is a pack of lies (e.g., “beloved by all”), because frankly none of us behave very well in this life. You may know of certain people whose obituary you’d like to have a crack at writing yourself, although these people may be long gone from your life so you will have no idea whether they are dead or alive. However, if you were to take a look at the obituary records on somewhere like Genealogy Bank, you could find out whether the people you used to know are alive or dead. Here’s what an honestly written obituary might look like:

blouse4“Sallie Mae went to join her Maker last week, although Lord knows why He wants her. The Power That Be apparently isn’t very choosy about who passes through the Pearly Gates.

She was born July 1, 1918 to immigrant farmers and spent her early years in Gopher Flat, Nevada, attending public schools there, where she acquired the nickname ‘Salacious Sally’ in her early teens. She eventually became the mother of 13 lively children, who were also related to nearly every boy in town.

In the 1940s, the government appropriated the area to use for testing atomic bombs, so Sally and her family then moved to Prairie Dog Prairie. During the war, she did her bit by obtaining a nursing certificate and then working on a nearby military base. Much of her job duties consisted of treating servicemen for VD, many of whom got it from her. After the war, she moved to Winnemucca, where she worked for the police department processing parking ticket fines and property forfeitures, which were mainstays of the town budget. Thus, she was an important civic figure locally.

Sallie wasn’t rich in money terms, so her children drifted away to seek their fortunes elsewhere and she didn’t see much of them in her later years. To be honest, she wasn’t a good mother or a nice person, and they didn’t have much use for her. The feelings were mutual, so this didn’t bother her. She found contentment in small pleasures. After retiring in 1983, she devoted her time to reading, watching TV, and growing peonies in baskets. She loved good food, and eventually there were three Sallies, or at least it seemed that way.

Several of her children predeceased her, including sons Al and Paulie, who were killed in the war. Others died of suicides, car accidents, or natural causes. Given her long life, this was to be expected. She is survived by her daughters Vernie of Charleston, South Carolina, and Reenie of Buffalo, New York, and their families; her son Reggie, of Federal Prisoner #176-842330097, Lompoc, California; a daughter Tabitha and her wife Samantha of Ventura, California; a son Dick who enjoys an RV lifestyle with his wife Lulu and last wrote from a post office box location in Alaska; and her son Lawrence, who travels with his friends in the Bandidos motorcycle club. She also is survived by numerous grandchildren, great-grandchildren, nieces, nephews, and cousins.

Remembrances are suggested to the Neptune Society. Ash scattering was conducted at the Trinity Test Site, near the site of Sallie’s original childhood home. Her parents are out there somewhere, too, probably in the form of glass now.”

Just kidding! I only wrote this for fun. All persons depicted in this fake obituary are fictional; and any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. Honestly, if these characters resemble your family, you’ve got a problem my friend.

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