CUBA

Let’s begin in Cuba, where federally run “love motels” (i.e., affordable rooms for fornicating) have sprung up throughout the state due to the fact that public sex in public parks is getting out of hand. The country’s continued housing crisis means multiple generations sleep under the same roof, while divorced duos can’t afford to not continue living together.

The un-Hemingway-sounding “Provincial Housing Company of Havana” told it’s official trade union weekly: “To think about how to diversify options for love is not farfetched, we want to revive this service that is in high demand, has a big social impact and without a doubt is very profitable.”

This is all due to the fact that, by 2025, Cuba’s population is projected to decrease by some 1 million residents thanks to low fertility and birth rates.

The island isn’t alone here. Witness other nations’ witless attempts at the opposite-of-population-control…

Singapore

Five years ago, Singaporeans were treated to a local advertisement as part of the government’s $1.3 billion push to urge them to have unprotected sex in the interest of upping the  birth rate from just1.2 brats per baby mama. (The last time it was above the replacement rate of about 2.1 was in 1976.) Here’s how this puerile bit of populist bit of rap-pop went down: “I’m a patriotic husband, you my patriotic wife, lemme book into ya camp and manufacture life.”  And the after-the-song addendum? “Only financially secure adults in stable, committed, long-term relationships should participate.” Shockingly? It didn’t work.

Russia

“Soviet power is a myth, it’s nothing but painted rust. But you need to keep the Russian myth alive to maintain your military industrial complex. Your system depends on Russia being perceived as a mortal threat. It will never be a threat. It’s a rotted, bloated cow.”

A memorable line in the  otherwise forgettable flick, The Good Shepherd, with the solid crux behind it being this: Russians have as much social mobility as they do senses of humor. Which is to say, none whatsoever.

Eastern Europe’s barren bellied boil, which just happens to be blessed with the negotiable gem that is nukes, has seen a population decline of up to 700,000 less people per year since the breakup of the Soviet Union. In an attempt to put the “mother” back in motherland, the government began doling out what it usually takes in: bribes.

Since 2007, an array of cash prizes have been bestowed upon families who deliver a second, or third, child. A special medal – the Order of Parental Glory – awards couples with seven or more Ruble makers (biological or adopted) with an invitation to the Kremlin, where they receive said medal from President Putin himself.