Kim Jong-Il's remake for his starring role in Goldfinger II
As reported previously on The Ave, the new leader of North Korea has had a long fascination with James Bond and especially with the movie “Goldfinger.” While emphasizing that he is definitely completely insane, the younger Kim has now found a way to to convince everyone that he is crazier than his father and lunatic to truly replace the most unhinged dictator on the planet. (for previous discussions of Kim Jong-Il’s Oedipal problem, read here.)
“Obviously, I know I was handpicked because I’m super crazy,” said Kim, the youngest of the late 69-year-old dictator’s four known children. “But my father was just so great at what he did. Did you know the people of North Korea heard his voice exactly once, for like five seconds? How nuts is that? Honestly, I looked at stuff like that and I think, ‘Wow, there’s just no way I can ever top Dad. But, I have one thing he never had .. an education in Switzerland! Do you know how much Gold the Swiss have?”
Kim, whose cupid lips and cherubic cheeks really needed a makeover, has only appeared in pubic wearing a plain dark suit. With nlooks like that it is difficult to cultivate the traditional Kim family eccentric, yet vaguely sinister look as iconic as his father’s pompadour, drab parka, and sunglasses.
After discovering that many of his best ideas had already been taken by his father—including making citizens bow toward wall-sized portraits of himself or claiming to be a demigod whose moods directly influence the weather—Kim realized his one big chance was to be a movie star! “Dad had never even picked up a golf club before, and he hit 38 under par with seven oled in one! . Where am I supposed to go from there? I guess I can say I ran a marathon in 20 minutes, but isn’t that pretty much the same thing? But appearing in a movie?”
“That tops Dad!” Kim added. “Of course, I have to be careful not to come off as too crazy, because then it would just feel forced and no one would buy it,” said Kim, noting that he was working on some slogans that North Korean schoolchildren would be forced to chant three times daily. “Then again, maybe having it come off as forced would make me seem even crazier, because what kind of a maniac would go to such lengths to outdo his father? Right? Or is that just a cop-out?”