There’s no dispute like a neighbor dispute, except maybe domestic quarrels, and “Get off my lawn!” ranks right up there with (select one: [ ] loud music, [ ] late-night parties, [ ] selling drugs from the front porch).
This story adds a creative twist: Thomas Conrad, 91, of Sorrento, Florida, claims he uncorked on his neighbor, Jack Henson, 46, because the latter invited him to.
This followed a conversation about Henson’s gardener mowing grass on what Conrad believed was his side of the property line. (Editor’s note: You can come over and mow my grass anytime. I’ll appreciate it; I’ll even pay you.)
When the police arrived, Conrad’s wife told them he was “resting” and wouldn’t come to the door. The Daily Mail says the cops “persuaded” her to let them in; and, after listening to his side of the story, wrote in their report “that Conrad said he did nothing wrong because ‘[Henson] asked [him] to punch him.” And furthermore, if anybody should be in jail, he guy he punched should be.
Then they asked him, “if someone was to ask him to shoot them would he do it?” and Conrad allegedly replied, “then I would have shot him.”
Gong! Wrong answer!
But wait, that’s not all. Then this sick old man (photo, left) who claims to have “nine stents in his heart” told the cops to “get the f*** out of my house” and balled up his fists like he was about to go after them next.
That got him a ride in a police car to the station house, where he stewed, complained about hard chairs and no food, and cooled his heels until his daughter bailed him out. He has to go to court on battery and resisting charges. Read story here.
You’d think people get too old for this kind of stuff. Nope. I read in a newspaper, many years ago, about two guys in an RV campground, both in their seventies. One of them fired up a noisy generator. The other didn’t like it and told him to shut it off. Old guy #1 refused, so old guy #2 came back with a hammer and whacked the spark plug. Then the guns came out. The survivor got life in prison.
I could tell you about my first criminal case after law school, but won’t because of client confidentiality, even though all the parties are dead, other than it involved a romantic triangle between people in their seventies. Like I said, you’d think people eventually age out of this s**t, but apparently not.
So, watch out for that old fart complaining about your lawn mower; keep the conversation polite, don’t get in his face, and don’t take anything for granted. In general, don’t make any assumptions about the state of humanity, is all I’m saying, and be happy only governments have nukes.