The-Ave.US

Nobody has a patent on the technique of harassing their adversaries with silly and outrageous demand letters, so this is a game anyone can play.  My office has prepared a form letter that potentially can be used for many situations.  Readers of this blog are welcome to use it, but please send the author a $15.00 royalty payment for each use.

Dear ____________,

Our firm represents ___________, who is in receipt of your letter dated _____ regarding ____________.

After careful review, we have determined that your demands recklessly and tortiously infringe upon our client’s God-given and Constitutionally-protected rights to free speech, free press, free association, freedom of thought and action, right to assemble, right to petition, and/or pursuit of happiness.   In consequence, our client has suffered substantial and debilitating physical and emotional injuries, including but not limited to:  Anxiety, depression, panic attacks, post traumatic stress disorder, hypertension, shortness of breath, sleep apnea, dental bruxing and tooth loss, changed hair color and hair loss, weight gain, nocturnal leakage, and loss of libido and consortium.

We are prepared to seek damages from your client for these violations of our client’s civil rights under 42 USC Sec. 1983, the Civil Rights Act.  In addition, we are reviewing the feasibility of an independent action against your law firm under 18 USC Sec. 1961 et seq., the Racketeer Influenced Corrupt Organizations Act.

However, it is possible to avoid expensive and burdensome litigation of this matter.  If you wish to discuss a structured settlement to compensate our client for lost income, medical expenses, and/or pain and suffering, we will prepare a draft agreement for you and your client’s review and approval.  A prompt reply is required.

Very Truly Yours,