Ruffled Feathers #6 from Oregon’s Ethos magazine
Story by Nina KaPow
Illustration by Bailey Meyers
Goodness gracious, it’s time for school again. Time for books, classes, openings of both the fall sports and theatrical seasons. But before you start singing those Goodbye Summer Blues, just remember: It’s less than two months until Halloween. It’s almost time for corsets, fangs, and for bump-in-the-night fantasies (of all interpretations) to come true. So plunge into the books now—it’ll be worth it, I promise!
Send your love, relationship and sex questions to [email protected]. You won’t get the advice of a doctor or a counselor, but that of an Auntie Duck who’s been around the block a bit. Have no fear— pull up a chair and talk to me. Have a cookie and a condom, why doncha?
I’m living with my girlfriend right now, and I’m learning that she’s a total pig. Dirty dishes everywhere, never vacuuming, wet shoes, etc. I never knew she was like this until we moved in. You’d think two college girls living together would mean things would be clean, but so not true. How do I deal with this? —Germy GF
You sound pretty angry about the whole thing, GGF. As in maybe too angry to rationally read my response immediately. Drink some water, take a few breaths and maybe we can talk like quasi-adults.
How long ago did you two move in together? If it was recent, the loss of your own private space (and the control that comes with it) might be a large cause of stress to you. If you didn’t have any brothers or sisters too, this might prove to be a hard transition for you. But it will eventually feel like a natural arrangement, as long as you communicate in an effective and respectful way.
Now, if you two have been living together for a while and you’ve just been letting these feelings simmer, then you’re the one with the problem, GGF. Your girlfriend may be a slob, but you’ve been enabling that behavior. You can still communicate with your girlfriend about the mess and maybe even change the situation, but you really should have done this a long time ago. If it goes badly, you really have no one to blame but yourself.
My girlfriend loves going to parties to watch football with people, but I never go because I don’t like watching football. I totally trust her, but I don’t trust all the “bros” that go to the parties. I’m worried someone will hit on her once the beer starts getting into people, and she’ll be tipsy, and something will happen because I (her boyfriend) won’t be around. What do I do? I can’t talk to her about it, because she might think I’m freaking out. —The Nerd Boyfriend
TNB, read that last sentence you just wrote. Read it about 20 times.
Why don’t you feel like you can trust your girlfriend at these parties? Have her Halftime Buddies proved to be a little randy after tailgating? Has she cheated on partners with people from this crowd? Football parties can be a very sexually arousing experience— alcohol and more alcohol, getting angry or joyous at the drop of a hat, watching the sweat drip off men wearing hard plastic pieces of equipment… but this doesn’t mean your girlfriend is buying into this atmosphere. In a matter of speaking, don’t hate the player. Hate the game.
Hear me out on this: Is it possible that you’re feeling threatened masculinity-wise by the “bros” your girlfriend is hanging out with? Football culture can inspire a “real man vs. girly man” mentality, which can lead to feelings of inadequacy if a guy (or anyone) doesn’t fit a certain gender role. If this is the case, you need to look inside and start building pride for your own gender identity. Don’t attack your girlfriend, who chose to be with you over everyone else, for a problem that she neither caused nor has the power to resolve.
Nina, I’m having trouble getting over a guy. I keep seeing couples everywhere, and it feels like romance is just in every movie I see and song I hear! How do I get over him under these conditions?? —Down With Love
It’s always hard to get over someone, so good luck to you on this difficult process. And you’re dead right on trying to avoid places where romance may be celebrated or shown. Good thinking!
You’re right about romance being prominent in entertainment, but don’t lose all hope just yet. A lot of stories have a romance subplot, but that’s not what the entire story is about. It’s easy to fast-forward through those sections and still get what the story’s about. If you’re a music junkie, a lot of indie artists (and classical music composers) write music that’s fairly “neutral” (that is, not particularly lovey-dovey or completely loveless) in nature.
As for seeing couples everywhere, that’s just something that happens when you’re suddenly single. It won’t last forever. Plug in your earbuds and keep walking.
I’m dating a dancer—a ballet dancer. He’s kind, smart, really hot and frankly very good in bed because of what he does. Totally NOT complaining about this one!
But whenever I tell my friends (especially my guy friends), they start laughing and asking if he might really be gay because he dances ballet. I want to kill them when they say that!! What do I say to make them look like the jackasses they totally are? If I were a guy dating a ballerina, they’d all be high-fiving me and thinking I was a stud. —Princess Charming
Wow, two dealing-with-masculinity questions in one week. It must be football season.
It sounds like these friends of yours are having trouble dealing with the fact that you’re dating a non-stereotypical guy. They probably just don’t know how to classify him. Which is, Princess, 100% not your problem.
You probably won’t be able to change their minds about your delicious danseur with a single comeback, so don’t even try. People usually change their ideas about gender roles with time and repeated exposure to atypical examples. If your beau often comes around to see you (or if you continually walk around with a sex kitten smile), that might be all that’s required to change your friends’ perspectives about his sexuality. In the meantime, ignore them and enjoy what sounds like the beginning of something great.