Seattle’s White Haired Congressman

Congressman MeDermott working hard for his constituents.from Seattle Salmon

The Other Washington- Seattle Congressman Jim McDermott made a bet.  At a press conference convened at Washington D.C.’s famed dive, the Tune Inn, “Bahgdad Jim” boasted that he could do anything – ANYTHING – and still be reelected in 2012.  “Anything?” asked the Salmon’s DC Bureau Chief. “Absolutely anything,” said McDermott, “the folks in Seabble (sic) freaking LOVE me!  I’ve been getting over 80% of the vote since ‘90…in my sleep!”

The congressman’s claim was put to the test upon landing at SeaTac for his annual three-day visit to the district.  Rep. McDermott greeted local reporters at baggage claim wearing only a sequined banana hammock and carrying a bright blue tropical drink. McDermott kissed his biceps before beginning. “I wanted to start this press announcement by announcing that I am leaving the Democratic Party and founding the Part-ay Party.  Also, I am moving my district office from sucky Seattle to sunny Cancun. This gray place and your gray faces bum out The Derm.  That’s me,” he concluded. “Peace.” With that he headed to a waiting Corvette, thoroughly enjoying the sparse applause of the confused travellers waiting for baggage.

During his first stop on Vashon Island, McDermottt revealed he would introduce a bill allowing the whole of Maury Island (attached to Vashon) to be mined for gravel and the resulting hole to be filled “to the brim” with radioactive liquid waste.  “This is all about jobs.  Jobs for rich, Republican executives in beautiful dark suits.” Community leaders joining McDermont on his tour of the island applauded his bold stance and pledge to support his reelection bid.

At the next stop, a town hall in Lake City, the congressman toyed with his phone during public comments, then fell asleep. Upon waking, he lit a cigarette and declared, “After 20 years of listening to you people, I am done.  In the next redistricting I am giving you to Dave Reichert’s Bellevue district.  Good luck, you’ll need it.”  With that, the crowd delivered a sustained standing ovation.

His final stop of the day was at Seward Park’s stand of Old Growth timber.  Rep. McDermott tied a bandana around his head, revved up a Stihl Magnum chainsaw and felled the largest tree in the stand.  He then unveiled a contract with Weyerhaeuser to cut the remaining trees and turn the park into the world’s largest coal burning power plant. Cliff Brown, the local coordinator for the Sierra Club said, “We can always plant a new tree, but we will never have another Jim McDermott, I am totally voting for him.”

After returning to Washington, DC the Seattle Times released a poll confirming the Congressman’s popularity had actually increased over the course of his trip because voters felt he was, “so frickin’ real.”