MADISON, March 31 (AP) — Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker announced at a press conference that he is unilaterally withdrawing the controversial budget legislation that has spawned a labor uprising in his Capitol.
A contrite Gov. Scott Walker announces he is folding the attempt to crush state unions.
“After a one-on-one with the Judge [Dane County Circuit Judge Maryann Sumi], I have come to see that this misunderstanding is bridgeable, and I invite the state employee unions to the table to hammer out a reasonable compromise on employment issues. The Judge showed me that there is no legal basis for revoking collective bargaining. It’s all a misunderstanding. I want to hold out an olive branch to the state workers, and I hope I can count on their votes in the upcoming recall elections,” the Governor said, in part.
Walker added that he would be meeting with minority Democrats in the State House to mend fences. He has been invited to speak at a Jefferson and Jackson Day dinner and would accept “in all humility,” Walker said.
“And it appears that the proposed sale of state assets [power plants] to private interests is also unconstitutional. I owe it all to the Judge, who showed me I couldn’t win this battle legally. I have the utmost respect for the rule of law. Accordingly, negotiations with the Koch Brothers have been suspended sine die, and my administration pledges not to renew any such activities unless they meet with the consent of the citizens of the great State of Wisconsin. Judge Sumi has shown me that privatization of government assets without full disclosure and consent, constitutes an unwarrantable power grab. We will retain our public power plants and other state properties, with the proviso that the protesters leave the Capitol grounds.”
The Governor added that he would be introducing new legislation extending unemployment benefits and legalizing marijuana as a taxable commodity. “It is my sincere wish that those who consume … who benefit from this proposed legislation will be influenced to vote GOP in the next election,” Walker said, stabbing the air with his hand for emphasis.
AFSCME spokesman
Labor leaders expressed surprise at the governor’s change of tack, and skepticism about its sincerity. “Given the history, it’s a bit much to swallow,” said AFSCME spokesman Bud Grossman from his office in Milwaukee. “Assuming this is for real, we’ll look forward to working with him.” Reached at the offices in Gaithersburg, MD, shadowy Koch Brothers representatives refused comment. Or more accurately said, their comment was brief and unprintable.
The repudiation of privatization efforts in Wisconsin detonated blasts of outrage from Tea Party activists across the nation. “He’s delusional! Fine the b***d! Throw him out with the bath water,” raged Glenn Beck on his FoxNews program, The Twilight Zone. “Governor Scott Walker ought to brush up on his Constitutional history,” fumed Congressmember Michele Bachmann (R-MN). “Show him the door — and that goes for his little squeeze, [Judge] ‘Blackhead’ Sumi too!” “He’s a traitor to the cause!“opined former Vice Presidential candidate Sarah Palin. “He must be tried, found guilty, and executed (not necessarily in that order).”
Michele Bachmann
Former Massachusetts Governor and presidential hopeful Mitt Romney opined, “Walker has lost his mind. No one is more cognizant of the stresses of governorship than I. But there is help if he wants to ask for it. If he only calls me, I can get him in touch with a top psychiatrist who specializes in this kind of disorder. Meantime, Walker should step down on medical grounds and let David Koch formally assume power in the Wisconsin State House.” Former House Speaker and presidential candidate Newt Gingrich (R-GA) said that “the whole country would be better off if Scott Walker put his head in the oven and turned on the gas.”
Reached for comment in the White House sauna, President Obama said, “I applaud this change of heart. I have no doubt Gov. Walker is sincere, and look forward to working with him to restore his credibility… I mean, working with him to restore collective bargaining and the rule of law in his state.”
— Larry Neilson, with reporters in Washington, D.C., Minneapolis, Atlanta, and New York
Nice April Fools joke. You had me going until:
Accordingly, negotiations with the Koch Brothers have been suspended sine die
Wouldn’t it be nice if these corporatist politicians were this honest or this capable of sane behavior and logic? But no! They prostrate themselves in front of the Golden Calf.
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