(c) anonymous for TA 2011
from Steve Hauschka
Text messages received from one of THE-Ave’s UW Regent informants have identified a former All-American Husky football lineman as the new UW President. In a brief interview with THE-Ave, the star athlete and President Designate has requested anonymity until his lawyers obtain a release clause from the Nyke Corporation, and until details of his financial contract with Washington State have been finalized. As compensation, Nyke is apparently demanding that a giant gold-embossed “Swoooooosh” be imbedded into each corner of Red Square, and that the “Broken Obelisk” sculpture be replaced by a 60-foot tall bronze football resting on a Tee.
The Washington State Legislature has convened an extraordinary session to deal with the new President’s salary. Although this is rumored to be only in the mid nine figure range, the Regents have assured the Legislature that an All-American of this caliber will attract sufficient donations to cover more than 10% of his salary, and that the anticipated excess hundred or so thousand dollars can be used to hire back TAs who lost their jobs during the 2010 budget year. The Legislature is planning to fund the remainder of the new President’s salary through the sale of re-naming rights to all ships in the Washington State Ferry Fleet, from anticipated savings in the K-12 Education budget, and by cutting exorbitant waste out of the Disabled Senior Citizen Meals and Home Health Care programs.
When asked to comment on the anticipated challenges of his new job, the President Designate said: “Once those professors see me, I really don’t expect a whole lot of problems that can’t be solved using my former experience as an All-American and All-Pro NFL lineman.” The new President is: “all for larger classes that don’t cost as much per student, and that don’t embarrass kids who haven’t been able to make it to lecture and keep up with their reading.” He also said: “I’ll do my very best to attend every Husky home game in every sport; and I’m hoping to drop by some of the practices too.” The new President, whose personal motto is: “Don’t ever back off!” said he is: “looking forward to taking a few of those courses I had to drop during the one football season I played at Washington before joining the NFL.”
THE-Ave will publish additional news concerning candidates who were rejected or who withdrew their names from the UW Presidential search as more text messages are received from its other five UW Regents informants. Further in depth interviews with the new President will be published whenever openings in his Football Banquet schedule permit him to drop by for additional meetings with our Sports Columnists.