When he was growing up, Bill Gates must have read the Asimov “Foundations Series.” In that novel, two foundations .. one very public, the other behind the scenes, controlled the galaxy.
How else can one explain the brilliant synergy between the Gates Foundation’s focus on tropical diseases and Microsoft?
Redmond-First, Steve Jobs’ health issues reoccur and then, Eric Schmidt, Google’s über CEO is suddenly replaced by one of the company’s near-autistic founders. Coincidence? Sources deep within Microsoft say not on your eye of newt. Instead, magic is afoot.
These informants say that the leadership collapses among their prime competitors are actually the result of a multiyear plan called Operation Warlock. The effort reportedly sourced globally procured witchcraft to disrupt rival companies. The actual magic comes from the clandestine activities of thousands of Gates Foundation employees in remote parts of Africa, Asia, and the Caribbean posing as global health workers. In reality, they are searching for the perfect spell. “Cure malaria, clean water, yadda yadda yadda,” said one informer. “These PhDs are scouring the armpits of the world for 8th degree black magic.”
The first success came with a curse from a Congolese priestess who cast what someone called “Illness 2.0” on Jobs. “1.0 didn’t work, the SOB came back badder than ever and bitch slapped us with the iPad. The Foundation folks worked double time to dig up this crazy Congolese witch. She had a great resume that included a curse on the entire nation of Somalia in the late 80s. That’s a track record you can bank on.”
The Schmidt/Google operation was a lot trickier. Another source who worked on the project said, “Google has a pretty strong anti-magic firewall on their campus. Plus, to get a spoiled founder off his jet ski and to want to run a giant company like Google again takes an amazing spell. They incanted something called ‘Ballmerize.’ It gives the victim a massively inflated assessment of their importance, desperately out of touch with reality. It’s a lot like the movie ‘Inception’, except you need a Laotian witchdoctor smuggled onto Google’s campus during a new moon with a few buckets of lion innards.”
The timing could not have been better. Microsoft has not created a new, profitable product since the first Bush Administration. Even the most recent release of Windows Phone 7, backed by a $50 million ad campaign, crashed like an Airbus meeting a flock of birds. One informer remarked proudly, “If you can’t beat ‘em, curse ‘em.”
Next on the agenda for Operation Warlock is reported to be Oracle’s database market share. A third informant said, “We’re having trouble getting to their CEO, Larry Ellison. We couldn’t get a hit on this guy for months, then we discovered he was travelling with a pack of Haitian Voodoo High Priestess for protection. We know he’s going to slip up at some point and then, boom!”
The final phase of the operation seems to be internally focused. An employee who only wanted to be called, Bill G said, “Now I just gotta find a spell to get rid of Ballmer and his giant, blinding forehead.”
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