Trump, Putin talk about Mueller report

The White House acknowledged that Trump and Putin talked about the Mueller report on Friday. Read story here. While a transcript of their conversation has not been officially released to the media, we have a copy that was confidentially leaked to us. Here’s what it says:

Trump: About the Mueller report.
Putin: Yeah.

Trump: We’ve got a problem.
Putin: Go on …

Trump: First, my polls are shit. I’ve got maybe 28% of the voters. At least 55% will vote for a dog before they’ll vote for me. So I’m gonna need your help again.
Putin: And … ?

Trump: It was sloppy last time. We got caught. We’re doing damage control on the Mueller report and it’s possibly contained for now, but he got too close for comfort, and we need to get this farther under the radar next time.
Putin: We’re working on it.

Trump: Can you assure me I’ll win in 2020? And won’t be impeached?
Putin: Hacking your election computers is no problem. Your people don’t even have to give us the passwords. Although it’s easier for us when your Republican election officials in the counties use passwords like “Trump2020.” Not much we can do about your unpopularity or the investigations, though. We’ve been working on mind control for some years, but so far it only works on dolphins, beluga whales, and Lindsey Graham.

Trump: What if I lose? Then what?
Putin: No problem, I’ll still be president of Russia.

(Cross-posted from

0 Comments Add Yours ↓

  1. Mark Adans #

    Hey we would vote for a dog before a lot of these Presidential candidates if we only could. So so few dogs make it to 35 though.

  2. Roger Rabbit #

    There are some good candidates, but I’d certainly vote for a dog before I’d vote for Trump.

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