BREAKING — Seattle buys Athens

25In other M&A news, Greece has agreed to sell Athens to Seattle for an undisclosed sum and Greek banks will reopen as soon as the deal closes, confidential sources who did not want attribution disclosed to “The Ave’s” undercover reporter Friday afternoon. (Julian said he’s already in enough trouble with the State Department, and doesn’t want this leak pinned on him, too.)

It’s not clear where Seattle will get financing, but the Highway 99 tunnel, Mariners and Seahawks stadiums, Husky stadium remodel, and I-90 and SR-520 were no problem, so getting money for this should be a slam-dunk. Besides, Athens is only worth about $500 million, roughly the cost of the new hockey arena that will also be built with public funding. The legislature and city council can always find money for a good tourist attraction, no matter how bad the economy is or how strapped taxpayers are.

Seattle city officials, after vigorously denying that anything is in the works, suggested they don’t want the whole city and will leave the shabbier housing where it is. “We only want the newer and better apartment buildings, because the migrants  moving here have discerning tastes and deep pockets,” city planners said. And, of course, Seattle wants the Parthenon and other ancient temples, which it will hire contractors to dissemble and reassemble at the Seattle Center to replace the old Fun Forest that was knocked down to make room for a Chihuly glass museum and emporium (emphasis on “emporium”), as a tourist draw for Seattle’s growing cruise trade which is expected to get much larger when global warming turns Alaska into a major beach and surf destination.

They acknowledged the city will have to give up some low-income housing to make room for these additions to the Seattle Center. “We’ll also lose some businesses, a bunch of parking lots, a McDonald’s, and the Seattle Housing Authority headquarters building,” they said, “but it’ll be worth it in terms of the additional crowds coming to our city.”

“The Parthenon and temples will pay for themselves in no time, especially since we’re getting them at bankruptcy prices,” a city finance department functionary told us. He pointed out the deal might get even better if Seattle can pay the purchase price with devalued drachmas instead of euros.

Greek officials of the Syriza Party, when contacted by our European correspondent via email, vehemently denied they’ve sold Athens to Seattle. They also snorted when our correspondent pointed out the reputed $500 million purchase price is less than a third of the $1.7 billion payment Greece has to make to the IMF before expiration of the 30-day grace period that began last Thursday to avoid having the account sent to a collection agency. “That’s nonsense,” they said, “and we still have plenty of islands to sell to Russian and China that will make terrific military bases. We’ll have no trouble making the payment.”




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