from Seattle Salmon District scrambling to manage fallout of the “I am your father” controversy
In the face of nose-diving test scores and leadership scandals, Seattle Public Schools made a desperate effort to pump enthusiasm back to the classroom. Taking their cues from an exhibit at the Pacific “Science” Center and gambling like a desperate Han Solo, Seattle Schools have turned over their curriculum to Lucasfilms Ltd.
“Over is the age of the uninspired children,” announced the short, greenish incoming VP of Star Wars Studies, chuckling while stroking a tiny, gnarled cane.
Educators and parents are less amused. Teacher’s Union steward Jeff Stack complained, “It was a dark day when we cut biology and replaced it with Ewok Anatomy. AP History is out and Comparative Literature of the Expanded Universe is in. Oh yeah, and Lucas keeps forcing that midi-chlorian nonsense on us, which we all know is bullshit. I just don’t get it,” he added, “but then I’m more of a Battlestar guy.”
Marianne Sigauer, parent of a Whitman Middle School student was incensed, “Why is the district distributing light sabers to thirteen year old boys? My son sliced open our Great Dane on a cold night to sleep in it! Right below the thermostat!”
Outrage peaked when Bryant Elementary School principal Alan Franks made a controversial address to 6th grade students which began with a detailed presentation on the “power of the Dark Side,” and closed with the words, “Goodloe Johnson never told you what happened to your father… I am your father.” Many mothers in attendance nervously shuffled to the exits after that comment.
This incident kicked of a sub-controversy debating if Jedi-ism represented school prayer. At a recent press conference, Franks remarked, “I find your lack of faith disturbing,” and held up his black-gloved hand as if waiting for something dramatic to happen.
Responding to another line of questioning, Franks took a more reassuring tone when he pledged to keep Jar Jar Binks “far, far away” from his school’s language programs.
A fresh round of disputes looms on the horizon like a twin sunset. The district is looking to rename the mascot for the Interbay High School Warriors to Bantas. The reasoning? “Wars not make one great,” said the diminutive new VP.